I turned 30 last year. I graduated and I'm starting a new job that holds great potential. Having a baby seems like the next logical step. I've got nervous people lining up who can't wait to become grandparents, aunts and uncles...
Then come the questions or at the very least the quizzical looks. I usually shrug my shoulders and say: "Not yet." I'm not quite finished working on myself as well as making sure I've done everything I can to make damn certain I can give my child a happy, healthy, carefree childhood.
And then people tell me I'm selfish. Or they say I'm materialistic. Usually people with a lot more money than me, living comfortably in a two bedroom apartment their parents bought them.
The people who understand money is tight shake their heads and say we'll manage somehow.
Well let me tell you flat out we'll manage isn't good enough for me. Not even close.
My step dad says everyone has a right to be born, to exist. My future father-in-law (FFIL) insists that having children is the natural order of things, part of the circle of life. I told them both that the mere reproduction isn't enough for me. That every being on this planet has a right that extends past mere survival, it's the right to prosper. What we all want, what we all strive for is to make sure our children have a better life than we did. To give them opportunities we never had.
Even my FFIL couldn't rebut my argument.
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| the only child we've managed to bring up so far.... |
Then come the questions or at the very least the quizzical looks. I usually shrug my shoulders and say: "Not yet." I'm not quite finished working on myself as well as making sure I've done everything I can to make damn certain I can give my child a happy, healthy, carefree childhood.
And then people tell me I'm selfish. Or they say I'm materialistic. Usually people with a lot more money than me, living comfortably in a two bedroom apartment their parents bought them.
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| ...and he's proven to be a handful |
The people who understand money is tight shake their heads and say we'll manage somehow.
Well let me tell you flat out we'll manage isn't good enough for me. Not even close.
My step dad says everyone has a right to be born, to exist. My future father-in-law (FFIL) insists that having children is the natural order of things, part of the circle of life. I told them both that the mere reproduction isn't enough for me. That every being on this planet has a right that extends past mere survival, it's the right to prosper. What we all want, what we all strive for is to make sure our children have a better life than we did. To give them opportunities we never had.
Even my FFIL couldn't rebut my argument.
Dear mother-to-be, I have only one advice for you: if you have the slightest wish to have children in the future, start NOW! There is just no point in waiting for a better life for the kid(s). I met parents who became parents around 40 and they say the only thing they regret is that it happened so late. At the same time wa all see that first-time-parents around 40 are becoming normalcity. But that does not mean the circumstances change at the same time. By circumstances I am talking about:
ReplyDeleteHaving a mother who is 50 when gradating from school is so much better than a mother being 60. Sorry, ladies, but at 60 you are no longer young, Even though you might feel young, you grew up in another world. The difference between me and my nieces and nephew (he is 16) already surprises me. Their lifestyle challenges us, because their world is a different world from our's when we were that age.
Another reason why it is wrong to wait for better times: Your kids will (very likely) have you around much longer.
Health-problems which are likely to occur age 70 and older will hit your kids in their 40's and not in their 30's which means more youth and carefree time for your children. I was really glad to meet stressful events last year when my mother was sick at 38 and not at 30! (My mother was 30 when she gave birth to me). Grandparents will also loose their energy for supporting you (babysitting) once they arrive in their 70's. My parents became grandparents age 55. I know that they could never support grandchildren age 70 the way they used to support them around 60. I am talking a lot about grandparents here. I believe they do matter. The have a whole lot of energy to give to the grandchildren. Not just by looking after them, but also on a more spiritual level.
Younger grandparents also mean more fun for the kids.
Plus: your own energy won't add up with the years but diminuish.
And then there is the uncerainty if you become pregnant immediately when you wish to. It could take some time.
So, if there is the slightest wish within you and your partner, go for it, NOW! Waiting for a better surrounding makes no sense in your case (with supporting parents at your hands).
Why wait for many circumstances to become worse, just in favour of some (probably not as important circumstances?)
If you want to see how young parents are getting along, I recommend Jen's blog!
http://thebakedlife.blogspot.com/
Between her lines, you see that things have changed but overall they still have their live. And they seem to be awesome parents, just like you two would be, I have no doubt!
Sorry to say I am with your parents and FFIL this time! Greetings to your and your family!
Paula, thanks for an honest and respectful dissenting opinion :-)
DeleteI agree with what you said on a certain level, I certainly have no desire to prolong this decision and wait until I'm 38, but at this point in my life being barely able to get a job let alone keep it if I get pregnant it would be so incredibly irresponsible.
coffeeaddict, while no one is every really "ready" for children, this has to be something that you do when it feels right for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Susan! My mum and I had a long long talk on this topic just yesterday and she's always saying that there's no such thing as preparing yourself for parenthood. It will certainly be interesting to re-read this post once I'm a mother myself.
DeleteI'm 30 and my husband is 34. We are constantly asked by relatives when are we having kids. In my opinion, that's a horrible thing to ask a couple. The decision needs to be up to the couple and the couple alone. I don't like feeling pressured to do something that I'm not ready to do. We would like to have a family, just not yet. So then when I tell people that I'm not ready, they immediately reply "You'll never be ready." or "What are you afraid of?" Fear and "being ready" have nothing to do with my decision to not have kids yet. I simply don't WANT them yet. Anyways, my point is that the decision is yours and yours alone but I know what it's like to experience some of those outside pressures and questions.
ReplyDeleteWow, you guys are the same age as us :-D the problem I've been having isn't just mere questions but at times pressure to get started on having family because other people's biological clock is running out. I've written this post after a particularly grueling debate with a family member I won't name (but not my mum) and I've changed my mind about posting it a couple of times. In the end I published it, because it's an honest representation of some of the things going on in my life right now and as always getting feedback from my commenters always, always gives me such amazing insight.
DeleteIt's the "yet" in the "don't want them yet" that rings my bells. I for myself never had the "yet", just the "don't want them".
Delete:-) Again, great post! I can't relate here since I'm still a student and not married, but people tell me you're never "ready" for children. You naturally adjust when you have one. In my opinion, I would want to be financially stable when I have my first child. xoxo, Amy
ReplyDeleteThanks Amy :-) On a certain level I envy you, enjoy this time of your life! I know you've probably heard this from countless of people and will hear it again. But as I look back on my early 20s' wow, in certain aspects it was the greatest time of my life and I sometimes yearn to go back to that place and time...
DeleteSuch lovely photos! I certainly cannot express useful advice because we don't have kids. However, I do see your point and hesitation and still think perhaps you should not worry a whole lot because your standard of living may be a moving target. I am sure you will know the right time intuitively. If you were jobless and living at home with parents to support you I would say your concerns are well-grounded. Now, you just have to settle into what is the right time for you. I know even without meeting you in person that you will make an outstanding mom and the two of you will make outstanding parents...it is written all over you. xx
ReplyDeletemy standard of living may be a moving target! I don't think I could ever put it better than this :-)
Deleteand thanks for the kind words, I believe Mr. C will make an excellent dad, he's pining for the position already ;-) as for me, I'm constantly worried I'll make a terrible mistake but like all of you said, the decision is made spontaneous and when it feels right. That's when I'll be ready!
I´d say.. you know when the time is right for the baby to come. You´ll know it.
ReplyDeleteIn the meanwhile, I ´m waiting for a grandchild, and I have no idea when/if that will ever happen : ). So, there´s a lot of us certain age women along with your mother waiting as well ; ).
Mette, I understand the dilemma well, but I've seen so many of my friends rushing in because they felt pressured by their peers, society and relatives. It's horrible to watch exhausted irritated young parents who struggle through stressful jobs and then come home too tired and emotionally exhausted to spend quality time with their children.
DeleteAnd yes good things come to those who wait!
Like Mette says when the time is right for you both then it is
ReplyDeleteright for baby.
I do find it difficult to understand why women of a certain age
expect their daughter's/dil's etc to produce children for them.
Maybe they don't wish to have children what right do we think we
have to put pressure on our families? Ida
Ida, I can only speak for myself. The thing is, that the b e s t time of my own life so far has been, having a baby of my very own. Yes, I am thinking about myself, how wonderful it would be to re-experience all that once more, as a grandmother this time.
DeleteMy daughters have a mind of their own, and do as they wish. If there will be no babies, I must settle for that. I am not placing pressure on them, but I can still dream...
ida, yes these pressures can be very unnerving :-)
DeleteI'm particularly sensitive when being told I'm complicating too much. The more I think about this topic the more I agree with what all others have said: when the time is right, I'll know it. Obviously the time isn't right yet.
And Mette, I don't for a second believe you're pressuring your daughters into anything!
I very nearly didn't have a child. Then one day I just KNEW. And we were financially able, and boy let me tell you, "you'll manage" is a dangerous way to look at things! I think you should do what's right for YOU and be proud of that decision.
ReplyDeleteLori, you've managed to express what I've been trying to say in just a few clear and obvious sentences :-D
DeleteThank you!
Mette,sorry was not hinting at you but over the years I constantly
ReplyDeletehear women saying they think it is time they become g/parents !!
I am sure your dreams will be answered in time. Ida
Wow, this post caught me off guard! I read it and was feeling hearty agreement with you then read the comments and I was surprised to read dissenting opinions. I would never ever pressure anyone to have a child. My son is 33, my daughter 27. They are both in long-term relationships. The decision to have a family is private. It's not any of my business. I support them in the choices they make for themselves. Maybe there will be children, when they're ready.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I'm not sorry I had my kids when I was very young, my son at 20 and my daughter at 27. I didn't have a clue what I was getting into. If I'd waited longer I might not have had the nerve to do it! I had lots of energy in my 20s for babies and small kids. It was a lively time.
Yes, having children is a very very private thing and I agree the pressuring is simply not an option. But I do to some extent allow and welcome questions from my parents and close relatives, I feel that they have a right to know about our decisions and give an opinion, but it should stop there.
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